I always find that every girl talks about their father nicely. Most of them put their father as a hero, as a best friend, as a someone whom they do need in life. I always envy to those who put their father as a role model or the one that they’d like to have as a future husband. It is true that every man wants a partner like his mother and every woman wants a partner like her father. They are proudly saying that to me when they talk about their family, their parents.
“My dad is so nice. He is my Hero”
“I’m daddy’s little girl”
“I want to marry a man like my father” blablabla….
Those are what I always hear from all of my friends. I see with my own eyes how my friends introduce their father to me and the father welcomes me nicely. We talk afterward. That aches me. That breaks my legs. How can everyone have so perfect and caring father while I can’t? They are so proud of having daddy like theirs. But wait, this doesn’t happen to me. Sometimes I don’t care about it but sometimes, oh God, why could I have a daddy like him? My daddy is not my role mode as a man. I don’t see a man on himself as everyone does to their father. The opposite thing comes to me. I feel ashamed to have father like him. I’m sorry, I’m not proud of having you in my life. If I had power, I would never want to be born with my body running the blood of yours.
Being a father is the best job that every man can do. Every father enjoys being a father for their children. In the morning they wake up and go to work and come back to home with the loves and kisses to their children and the stuffs or meal on their hands that they bring for them. They are qualified being a nice person and nice father. Nice person who cares about as human being and nice father who is responsible enough taking care or feeding the family. Yes, every man must be like that. The good man will create good family because he is the leader. It is same like a company or a country that leaded by right men. I believe if the company or country are not leaded by the right men, they will fall down. When it comes to a family, it will be a broken home family. That happens when a man is asshole enough and not responsible to their family. Not even work, feed them, talk nicely, care, sincere, honest, loyal. And that is my father. I have so many reasons why I hate him. Even though I hate him with every single bad thing he does to me, my sisters, my mother, but I still try to act nice to him. It is hard to act nice to the person who is asshole enough and a black-hearted like him. I still appreciate him as a father, as the one who gave me the life. I still talk nice to him and obey what he asks. Nobody in this world loves him. None of us are proud of having a father like him who is selfish enough, temperament, likes to hit us with his hands, never talks good, never gives me food to eat and responsible for our lives. Once Hitler said that the one whom he hated after Jewish was a husband who left his family and rude enough hitting his wife. Even Hitler said that. If my father were alive with Hitler, Hitler probably would kill him. My father is not a human, he is satan. He is not only bad to family but also to other people. He treats people badly and underestimates them. I’m ashamed every time I meet people and my father is with me. So, when a girl say that she wants to have a partner like her father, this is not valid to me. I have trauma to a man and always see a man is like an evil sometimes. I wonder if there is still a nice man on earth. But, that nice man is for another. I’m afraid of getting to know a man, liking someone, having husband but I want to have kids in life and the only thing to make it true is to marry someone. One thing I worry too much is that I am afraid there’s no man who wants me and gets close to me when he knows my father is a monster. No guy wants to have parents in law like him. Then how about my future? how about my next life? he ruins everything. He ruins my thought, my mental, the way I act, my life. My trauma is all caused by him, by the ways he treated me and the whole family.
Q: Are you proud of your daddy? | Me: NO
Q: Do you want to have husband like him? | Me: NO. I HOPE NO.