Du bist alles

Ich vermisse wenn wir diese Augenblicke machen. 

Ich vermisse deine schönen Augen. Sie sind blau und klar. Sie sind wie blaues Meer. 

Ich denke an dich. Ich denke wie du sagst, wie du atmest, wie du lachst. 

Dein Lächeln ist alles für mich, für meine Welt. Ich hoffe, daß ich jede Nacht neben dir wach liege wurde. 

Du bist alles. 


Why do I travel?

Life continues but people will never remain the same

Traveling for me is another kind of killing my loneliness. I meet people during the trip in a temporary time. But the feeling of interaction with people really boosts me. I feel alive when traveling, I find something new, I find something interesting or the facts that shock me. They are all parts of my story of life which I can tell and remember once I come back and have my lonely time for long periods. 
I will not feel at least lonely because once I am alone, I think about something I’ve already seen. I start to think and ignore my loneliness. This is probably the way of killing loneliness. Everyone has their own way. But traveling really helps me to kill it. 
I know that I travel alone because one by one everyone around me leaves me. Life continues but people will never remain the same. One by one friends will get married, start working, or move to another place that I will not be able to always meet all the time. Friends that I used to hang out together during school time will not be always with me because they have another life. They start having new family, wife and husband, kids or move far away from from. I feel alone because they suddenly are not by my side. No wonder it is like a surprise or a gift I meet people during my stay. I stay in hostel to mingle with people, to talk (even though I am so shy and not confident to talk first if they don’t start moving first). I feel like I meet somebody new. 
That’s one of the reason to travel. I will have another kind of story and experience by meeting people. I have tons of reason why I travel whilst some people have zero reason to ask me to stop traveling. 

Oh Mats! 

There was an Indonesian league match in stadium. My friends and I were watching. The match had not started yet but the supporters chanted their own yel yel pride. I didn’t know what match I attended. As far as I know, the supporters brought banners, Indonesian flag as signs. The stadium was so full. 
I sat on one of the bench to witness the match. My sight was stopped by something special. I saw Mats Hummels amoung somewhere in supporters but none even realised that it was one of the best defender in the world who plays in Bundesliga in Borrusia Dortmund. With his dark brown suit and white inside, he was so charming. I recognised the smile he wore. I was like, damn! He is hwaaaaaat and I can’t even… I didn’t so anything and he went away. 
The match still had not started yet. I walked around to see something and then i found one of my friend that we used to be in the same class in university. 
“You know, I just saw Mats Hummels, bli.” 
“Really? Where is he now?” 
 “Somewhere we have to find I think.” Adit replied. 
I forced him to find Mats Hummels. We walked away leaving the stadium and guess what, we finally found him in amusement park. He sat down at something similar like roller coaster. 
“Nick, Nick. Hey Nick!” My friend Adit Bli called him. Wtf, how could he call Mats Hummels by Nick? Wasn’t it just weird? I think so. He is Mats. At least you could call him Mats or Hummels instead, bli. I said that to my Balinese friend. He didn’t seem to care and kept calling him Nick. 
Mats Hummels was in the seat of roller coaster with a woman. She was his manager or agent. The roller coaster almost started and Mats ignored us. He didn’t even stare us who kept calling him by name. I could not say anything. The way Mats stared really killed me into pieces. His sharp eyes spoke “wtf are these kids doing?” His light brown top really suited him very much. Oh goooshhh I was about to die. Go die in his arm I would not mind eh. His curly hair ruined his vision through his eyes. Still he with his coolness didn’t stare us back. That’s okay Mats, cause you are all amazing. 
The roller coaster would start in a minute. I had to get close to Mats and took pictures as many as I could. It’s once in lifetime. When would I ever meet Mats Hummels again? Not sure even in the next five or teen years later. Soon, I coded Adit to book the seat by sitting next to Mats Hummels in the middle between him and his manager. I got no choice, fortunately there was empty seat close to Mats on his right side. Without any doubt, I took my role and sat next to him. His manager, Adit bli, Mats Hummels, and me sat in the same row. I tried to talk to him but still, he shut his mouth up. 
“Mats, Mats Hummels.” I tried to call his name slowly. OMG, he stared at me through his right eye. “I don’t mean to annoy you. I am not like those annoying supporters who yelled you many times.” He started to stare at me back. “I am not that tacky to even disturb my idol eh.” His blonde manager stared at me. “Trust me, I am not one of them.” I smiled the best as I could to win his cool heart. Mats smiled at me. I sat next to him and it felt like a dream come true. I wish no one could never wake me up. You know how it feels when you sit next to Mats Hummels. Adit stared at me as if he asked so what’s next. I ignored for a while cause I focused on Mats. The best thing that has ever happened to me. 

“It is nice that you are not like dirty rubbish fans who every centimeters of me are on their eyes like I have no privacy at all.” Mats spoke to me. Our conversation continued very well like I didn’t care that Adit and Mats’ manager were watching us. I didn’t care for the rest of the whole world. I opened my iPhone and scrolled up the camera. Come on! I didn’t want this moment useless. I would upload our pictures on instagram, facebook as much as I could. 
Finally I got our picture and I kept in forever in my iPhone and mind. And dang, I woke up! 

Wtf I always dream about some hot footballers that I can’t even reach them in real ,_, 

The ugly prostitute

How could you be so mean? 

How could you think that way? 

How could you kill me in one second? 

How could you……….. 

You were blinded by your suspicious thought
Your minds were full of hatred

Your soul was filled by ignorance 

Your heart was such a fool

To even think that ugly girl is a prostitute
Like a thorn in every vein of my body
Ruining and killing me softly

You poured salt in my wound that could not be healed

Treating me like a dirty filthy whore with all of your bitter words

Your words killed more than every thousand daggers could stab me
No matter what you think, I am just me
No matter what you think, I can not hate you

No matter what you think, you are good one

No matter what you think, I am still ugly
Maybe I am a prostitute in the future

Maybe I am a slut

But, I am a slut only for my husband

A slut for my future husband (If I have one) 

May 6 2015

May 6 2015 was one of the best day in life. In the morning I woke up with sleepy eyes due to staying up late. I got the feeling of nervous and my heart didn’t stop beating on its highest level. My colleagues convinced me that I would succesfully passed my final exam after two times I was failed in exam. I such had nothing to confide myself that I could. But they kept convincing me that I was able. 

I wore my white long chemise, black skirt and black tie. Ready to go to campus with all expectations that I would finish my study that day. No feeling could beat how nervous I was at that time. All I expected was it finished. My teacher and examiners were in front of me. They were ready to examine me and see my progress that I made. I just wish I could satisfy them after my failure of exam last month. 
Dang, it was the time to show my best up. I am not that good at presenting and public speaking. All I could do was just talk talk and explain. Less than 15 mins I finished my presentation. Time for examiners asked me questions I wish I could answer them properly. They seemed that they were not so satisfied yet with my work. I was afraid I would be failed again for the THIRD time. Finally they allowed me to go from the classroom where I had exam. My friend since the first semester I knew was there waiting for me. I hold her hands tight and shared my scared-feeling. She said I would finish it no matter what. One thing that bothered me was that they didn’t call me yet for the result. Normally it takes for 5 mins to announce but they were discussing for almost 15 mins. 
“I have to tell you that you need to study more.” My teacher scared me. All I could do was to keep silent. It was like what he said before when I was failed in the first exam. 
“But, we know that you worked hard and your ability. You were born in different era that it is not your fault if you don’t know (about my main subject in exam). So, congratulation that you did it.” My heart stopped beating when I was knowing this. 
Thank God, the day I was waiting for came up. No feeling could express how happy I was. I dedicate this to my died mother who probably smiled upon. She would be happy if she was alive. Mum, your silly daughter finished her study after long time and process. Bachelor of engineering is in my hand now. 
Soon, I will leave university and my new life. The question is, who else will be part of my next life? (Be it friends, colleagues, work mate or…)  


What city am I?

Describing myself as a city, I can reckon that I’m the typical of person who likes to have fun with bunches of friends but never minds to be alone on my own. I don’t mind being in a pub, I like the crowd, the nightlife but also the silent of coffee shop or library or museum. I’m not that really friendly and tend to be cool or awkward. Also, I don’t trust people or stranger that much but never mind to help them in need (even though with some worries). Learning history is fun for me. I like old arts from old masters and I really appreciate their works. I even like talking about (that people might think it’s dirty) the jokes of sex frankly with sarcasm and prank. I don’t have problem with smoker or drinker as long as they don’t bother me and so do the smokes. I am an old thinker but act new. The people I enjoy are those who are open minded that like to accept all differences. When I am in a city, I prefer to walk around and keep eyes on its architecture especially the old ones. I always look for some bench in the park. Idk, I just like bench. I’m more nature to be honest. I like pretty small village with flowers and plants, the beaches, or everything that consists water.

So, the city must be not a big one, decorated by ancient building, full of history, museums everywhere, have pretty atmosphere of nightlife as I’m always awake at nights, have open minded people. And the city is, Amsterdam.

I am..
I’m Amsterdam

Well, done.


I’m afraid
I’m worried
I’m terrified
I’m scared
I’m doubt

This is my last chance
This is my last time
This is my last effort
This is the only time

Facing the biggest exam
Having the greatest step

Why so? Why so worry? I literally want to give me. I’m being pessimist now. Knowing the exam is almost here. It’s on this Friday. The day will come. Whether I will loose or pass. I’m afraid. I’m scared. That’s the fact.